Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize