Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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