Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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