I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
