Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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