ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
