You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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