I wish I could punch you in the face.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
