You slow clapped the stripper last night.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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