Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
