you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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