Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
