omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
We are two peas in an std pod
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
