I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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