Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
