I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
