I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize