I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
