just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
