I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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