They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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