Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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