to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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