Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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