What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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