when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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