i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
