So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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