Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
