break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
