I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
