I think scott just propositioned me for sex
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
