you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
