I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
