So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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