i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
