Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
