i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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