I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
