Pappa wants mamma naked
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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