I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just gift wrapped bread.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
