Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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