He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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