will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
