Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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