Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
