i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
