I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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