i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
