i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'd cum for enchiladas.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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