You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
