They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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