Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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