I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
