U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
worst night to have a conscience
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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