It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
