Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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