Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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