I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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