Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
