forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Randomize
