worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Someone came in the potted fern
Randomize
